And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, “Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,” when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 NLT
All the words from Jesus and New Testament authors that speak of excellent relationships declare that humility is essential. Nowhere is humility more vital than in the marriage relationship. To give up my rights and take up my responsibilities requires a lack of self-protection and pride. Sometimes we defeat ourselves in our relationships before they actually get underway because playing the blame game makes us concentrate on the other’s responsibility first.
In my marriage counseling it is quite common for a spouse to come to me alone, describing in great detail the problems and issues in the marriage. After hearing the sad situation, I will often ask, “Have you considered what you are willing to do to take your responsibility for changing the relationship?” Most of the time the response is silence, and then a reiteration that the issues in the marriage belong to their partner, not them. Therefore, it is obviously the partner’s responsibility to start the process.
What happens when you blame the other person? Nothing good. You will likely create a vicious cycle of finding and majoring on flaws in each other instead of enjoying the wonderful gift God has given you in each other. It’s a cycle fueled by emotions and immature thinking. The directive of Jesus to quit looking at the speck in the other person’s eye and take care of the issue that is your own is the way to end the cycle and get in a place where you can actively build the relationship.
There is a powerful book popular right now titled The Let Them Theory. The premise is that the way to respecting yourself and gaining respect and healthy relationships is that you quit blaming and manipulating and allow “them” to choose their actions and responses, and you choose yours. This is the only way to have a chance to establish new ways of interaction. The bottom line is, only you can choose to personally act lovingly and responsibly. As you consistently exemplify the love of Jesus, accept responsibility for your own attitudes and actions, and completely stop blaming, you will be able to build a quality marriage based on personal maturity and responsibility.
- Jesus, I choose to take personal responsibility for the state and quality of my relationship. No more blaming. Help me humble myself and refuse to blame or keep score.